The doctor left, and as the silence settled into the room, it wasn’t just my heart that hurt, I felt it in my entire body! I hadn’t ever thought much of being a mother, but now that I was told how difficult it would be, it was the only thing I longed for. The irony, right? I felt robbed of my purpose of existing. In hopes of trying to process, I stayed for what felt like hours… But was only a few minutes. “One foot in front of the other,” I kept telling myself, as if I had forgotten to walk.
Fast forward three years later- “OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD.” I had taken a pregnancy test and it was POSITIVE! I immediately called my sister and for 20 minutes it was pure laughter and happiness, filled with “OH MY GOD.” Was this really happening? Joe and I had been talking and negotiating what our lives would look like if we had children. Looking back, it’s as if we had spoken our child into existence.
Soon after I broke the news to Joe, the happiness we both felt turned into fear. What if we lost the baby? Or worse, what if it was cancer? After all, pregnancy wasn’t really in the books for me. I sat with these thoughts for 2 weeks as I waited for my doctor's appointment.
I’m not one to be on time, but that day, I was early! I got up on the table. My entire body was stiff. “Relax and take a deep breath. You’re going to feel a little pressure.” It was as if my doctor was telling me to do all the things I was incapable of doing. Then, I hear Michael’s heart beat. I AM PREGNANT! There was my little bean and his heart was going.
The excitement wore off sooner than imagined, and anxiety and fear crept in. What if I wasn’t fit to be a mom? What if I’m not a good mom? What ifs....
Fast forward 5 years later, those “what ifs” don’t really leave, they just change. Motherhood is full of uncertainties! The anxiety and fear? Yeah, those stay too. It is what makes us good mothers! So, if you’re worried that you aren’t ready- none of us really are. It’s okay to have mixed emotions about all of it. There’s a lot of frustration and hardships that come with motherhood! When people talk about how beautiful it is, they’re talking about the bigger picture. The every-day stuff is a lot of hard work, tears, sleepless nights, sore nipples, achy backs, finding yourself, losing yourself, and re-finding yourself again. Most importantly, I’m here to remind you that you are not alone on this journey. Many women and I walk it with you. Welcome!